Wednesday, 7 August 2013

BOFtulism - Be Aware

Our 100th blog post was supposed to be an interview with some bloke off the radio, but we've recently discovered a terrible infection that could threaten mankind and, you know, we thought we should tell you about it and stuff.  We're nice like that.

BOFtulism (medical term: B0R1NG) is a particularly virulent virus that doesn't discriminate.  You, your partner, your're all at risk.  It would appear that it began in the depths of Pembrokeshire, but for some reason it is now starting to spread across mainland Great Britain.  Scientists are currently testing the contents of a Mansel Davies tanker that may have transported contaminated produce across the county border, thus putting the rest of the United Kingdom at risk.

The virus - while not fatal - can be permanently debilitating.  It strips the sufferer of all higher-functioning cognitive processes; effectively leaving them void of humour and empathy.  In severe cases, the sufferer may pursue a career in politics or journalism.

We've spent weeks researching this virus with our Fisher Price chemistry lab (it's missing a conical flask and a dropper, but that's ok; we used a vodka bottle and a turkey baster instead) so we can hopefully help you and those you care about avoid contracting it and, should the worst happen, treat it quickly.  Below you'll find lists of virus hotspots that you must avoid, along with symptoms and treatment.  Please read this information carefully and print it out for future reference.

BOFtulism: Where to Avoid

The B0R1NG virus thrives in particular environments.  Through exhaustive scientific fiddling about, we've compiled this list of the areas you should avoid in order to considerably lower your chance of infection:

  • Range Rover salerooms
  • Opera houses
  • Waitrose
  • Sainsbury's
  • Harrods
  • John Lewis
  • Boardrooms
  • Golf clubhouses
  • Yacht clubs
  • Squash courts
  • Estate agencies
  • Political assemblies
  • Media buildings
  • Local business award ceremonies
  • Anywhere that sells Chelsea boots
  • Any restaurant where a steak costs more than £10
  • Pembrokeshire

BOFtulism: Symptoms

There are several obvious symptoms that you should be aware of.  B0R1NG manifests itself in exclusive symptoms currently linked to this virus alone. 

  • Slight drooping of the right side of the mouth; resulting in a left-biased smile
  • Minimal loss of hearing; causing the sufferer to raise their voice
  • Muscle spasms in the dominant hand. The sufferer will seem to be pointing in an obnoxious manner
  • Cravings for salt and fat.  Bacon is usually feverishly sought
  • Repetitive references to their home county
  • Reluctance to be impulsive
  • Uncontrollable dribbling when sighting a Porsche
  • Sudden, deep interest in politics
  • Territorial tendencies; the sufferer will not let you into their house
  • Irrational fear of sprouts
In males
  • A desire to wear horrendous ties
  • Flirting with considerably younger women
  • Hoarding of linen shirts
In females:
  • A desire to bleach hair blonde
  • Development of a non-existent food allergy
  • Repeated use of the superlative 'amazing'

If you spot one or more of these symptoms in yourself or someone else, you must act quickly.  BOFtulism progresses at an alarming rate.  Quicker, in fact, than a greased-up pig being thrown down a park slide.  A park slide that's got Vaseline all over it.  The following treatment techniques are in order of level of infection - the first being for mild symptoms and the last for rampant infection.

PLEASE NOTE: The final treatment is extreme and should only be carried out in a controlled environment.

  1. Play a Roger Whittaker album continuously for 3 hours
  2. Avoid reading The Financial Times for 2 days
  3. Withdraw bacon from the diet for 4 days
  4. Remove all mirrors from the house for 4 days
  5. Only shop at Asda or Tesco for 4 days
  6. Avoid operas for 7 days
  7. Place an embargo on news programmes for 7 days
  8. Only use public transport for 7 days
  9. Avoid exclusive restaurants for 10 days
  10. Avoid golf, squash or sailing for 10 days
  11. Prohibit visits to the home county for 10 days
  12. Administer a sprout sandwich once every 4 hours for 14 days
If all of these treatments are tried and the B0R1NG virus is still present, consult your nearest exorcist.  We haven't tried this method of eradication yet, but it's next on the list.  If you get there before us (which is highly likely as we'll be getting drunk this weekend), please drop us a line and let us know how it went*.  

Stay healthy.

*Exorcisms are carried out at your own risk. We hold no responsibility for broken beds, ruined crucifixes or stains to upholstery caused by demon vomit.